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Random quote: "There's nothing like a good cigar after a hard day's work. It's so relaxing, a pure luxury to be savoured and enjoyed. Something to look forward to." (M.Crijnen)
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Dad Jokes
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toby3
Posted 11/22/2017 7:21 AM (#729044)
Subject: Dad Jokes



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I saw one of these on a firearms forum I was on a while back and got some good ones so I figured why not here. Everyone posted their best "dad" joke. I'll start with two.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "You knpw we have a drink named after you?" The grasshoper says, "You have a drink named Irving?"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he goes to pay the bartender says, "For you, no charge."
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biggsy16
Posted 11/22/2017 7:54 AM (#729045 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Everyday I look in the mirror,i look more like my old dad,i know he's up there laughing his ass off.
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PETE314
Posted 11/22/2017 11:57 AM (#729062 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Three guys walk into a bar...



You'd have thought one of them would have ducked....
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gitfiddl
Posted 11/22/2017 12:03 PM (#729064 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: RE: Dad Jokes



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Every time we would leave on a family trip, Dad would holler like a train conductor "All aboard that's going aboard! All those that can't get aboard get a plank!"



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Otter
Posted 11/22/2017 4:47 PM (#729090 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: RE: Dad Jokes



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Mautrak
Posted 11/22/2017 8:35 PM (#729122 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Those were horrible. And I read all of them to my wife, while laughing. If I could find my kids, I'd read them to the kids too!
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toby3
Posted 11/24/2017 5:53 PM (#729279 - in reply to #729122)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here.
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toby3
Posted 11/24/2017 5:53 PM (#729280 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Why do chicken coupes only have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors they would be chicken sedans.
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toby3
Posted 11/24/2017 5:54 PM (#729281 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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I went to the grocery store and bought a gallon of milk. The cashier asked if I would like a bag for my milk. I said no, just leave it in the carton.
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danb6177
Posted 11/24/2017 6:19 PM (#729283 - in reply to #729281)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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toby3 - 11/24/2017 6:54 PM

I went to the grocery store and bought a gallon of milk. The cashier asked if I would like a bag for my milk. I said no, just leave it in the carton.


Funny. I do similar when they ask if I want a bag for my beer. I tell em no im gonna drink it in the car and they all give me the same look lol
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danb6177
Posted 11/24/2017 6:20 PM (#729284 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Bad dad joke but I can’t help myself when I pass a cemetery.

Me- you guys know how many people are dead in there?

Kids- no maybe 500?

Me- all of them : )

Edited by danb6177 11/24/2017 6:21 PM
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toby3
Posted 11/25/2017 8:44 AM (#729315 - in reply to #729284)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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danb6177 - 11/24/2017 6:20 PM

Bad dad joke but I can’t help myself when I pass a cemetery.

Me- you guys know how many people are dead in there?

Kids- no maybe 500?

Me- all of them : )


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05Venturer
Posted 11/25/2017 11:39 AM (#729322 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Son; Dad why is my sister named Rose?
Dad; Because Roses are your mothers favorite.
Son; Oh, Ok thanks Dad
Dad; No problem B.J.
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Cap10_Morgan
Posted 2/5/2018 4:32 PM (#733408 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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A friend and I were on a boat, drinking whiskey, when he pulled out some cigars. He forgot to bring any matches or lighters, so I took one of the cigars and threw it overboard. The whole boat became a cigar lighter.
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klamm143
Posted 2/7/2018 4:11 AM (#733450 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: RE: Dad Jokes



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Stix
Posted 5/11/2018 10:15 PM (#740254 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes


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Amish couple and their son make their first journey to the mall. wife Anna says to husband Amos, "i'm going into this crafts store to buy some yarn." Amos and son Caleb sit out in the atrium of the mall waiting. They are in front of an elevator which they have never seen before. An old lady with a walker gets in and the elevator doors close. A minute later the elevator comes back down and a beautiful blond in a miniskirt comes out and walks away. Amos looks at his son Caleb and says slowly, "Go get your mother".
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toby2
Posted 5/12/2018 7:38 AM (#740263 - in reply to #740254)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Stix - 5/11/2018 11:15 PM Amish couple and their son make their first journey to the mall. wife Anna says to husband Amos, "i'm going into this crafts store to buy some yarn." Amos and son Caleb sit out in the atrium of the mall waiting. They are in front of an elevator which they have never seen before. An old lady with a walker gets in and the elevator doors close. A minute later the elevator comes back down and a beautiful blond in a miniskirt comes out and walks away. Amos looks at his son Caleb and says slowly, "Go get your mother".

 

  those whiskers were getting a bit long on mom heh.....  

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nathanw13
Posted 5/12/2018 11:20 AM (#740266 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Anyone who has been around me drinking gets the Panda joke.

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Edited by nathanw13 5/12/2018 11:20 AM
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Chrisbr549
Posted 3/24/2022 2:33 PM (#790739 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes


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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says "Make me one with everything"
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Brlesq
Posted 3/24/2022 2:39 PM (#790740 - in reply to #790739)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Chrisbr549 - 3/24/2022 3:33 PM

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says "Make me one with everything"


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shakinghorizons
Posted 3/25/2022 8:59 AM (#790758 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was searching for Pooh.


Have you heard diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes.


Why did an old man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.


What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino


Two goldfish were in a tank, one looks at the other and says. "You know how to drive this thing?"


What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O Furniture.


Why isn't a koala considered a bear?
It doesn't meet the koalafications.


What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory


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Murphy223
Posted 3/25/2022 1:43 PM (#790766 - in reply to #729044)
Subject: Re: Dad Jokes



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My wife told me I was terrible with directions.

I was so mad, I packed up my things and right
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