The 2020 off color Christmas contest!

Started by Kid Montana, 12/22/2020 07:52 AM

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Kid Montana

In honor of the festive nature of the season, post up your favorite off color Christmas/holiday themed jokes, memes, videos, or songs.  Anything goes, just don't get banned! :bigthumbs:    Enter as many times as you like.  On 26 December 2020 I will pick a winner, whichever one made me laugh, was particularly off color, ribald, or just plain funny!  The winner will get a cigar 5er from me!  Enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas, you filthy animals!

To kick things off...
Edit: I don't understand how to post youtube links evidently, so... https://youtu.be/g4vktLutpiY


I'd rather have a cigar...

Brlesq

#1
Al Bundy Christmas Poem

Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


Kid Montana

QuoteBrlesq - 12/22/2020  6:27 AM

Al Bundy Christmas Poem

Edit: I don't understand how to post youtube links evidently either, so... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03sI1BsH2qo


LOL great submission.  :lmao:  I think the forum coding doesn't work anymore.


I'd rather have a cigar...

nickthafish


shakinghorizons


05Venturer

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come...
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Kent
 Guru of Cynicism & Cigars

"Pump the brakes; you take your shirt off but leave your sunglasses on?" "What sort of backwards !@#$ing pageantry is that?" "You going to fight with those shades or play pokerstars.com?"

Kid Montana

Quote05Venturer - 12/22/2020  8:40 AM

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come...
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Holy s**t.   :sad:  :shamebag:  :lmao:


I'd rather have a cigar...

Brlesq

#7
A Miley Cyrus kind of Christmas
Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


Vroomp

Guru of Not Following the Rules


Cigar smoking knows no politics. It's about the pursuit of pleasure, taste, and aroma. -Anon

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It is the same when you are stupid....



Vroomp

Quote05Venturer - 12/22/2020  11:40 AM  I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come… Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

:lmao:  :lmao:  :lmao:  :lmao:  :lmao:  :lmao:  

Guru of Not Following the Rules


Cigar smoking knows no politics. It's about the pursuit of pleasure, taste, and aroma. -Anon

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It is the same when you are stupid....



Brlesq

Bruce
Chief Enabler 
Guru of Decorum & Sarcasm


Hey! How come Habana is written on here with a Sharpie ?!?

A day without whiskey is like . . . just kidding, I have no idea!


shakinghorizons

Home recipe for Viagra:
Forage in your garage
Mix equal parts Miracle Grow and Fix A Flat
Enjoy!

shakinghorizons

#12
c70fe416ef1c01d6e613f30f2a3afd4aae83db28

Murphy223

Why did the Snowman pull his pants down?

He heard the Snowblower coming down the street.

Vroomp

To post a youtube video  use the square brackets [] with Youtube="URL of video" square bracket there should be no spaces and no long azz urls,  they just won't work here.......

 

 I have to reverse the brackets to show in thread, but it should look something like this:

]youtube=kjhbuyfuytrd[

Guru of Not Following the Rules


Cigar smoking knows no politics. It's about the pursuit of pleasure, taste, and aroma. -Anon

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It is the same when you are stupid....



nirab

#15
Christmas Eve in 1955...

Santa arrives down the chimney, enters the living room, and is surprised at what he sees. 12yrd old little Johnny is standing there, naked in a robe, holding a martini in one hand and a cigar in the other. Frank Sinatra is blaring from the record player, booze is all around, and a naked lady walks into the kitchen. Santa gathers himself, and says "Son, you should be in bed. Are your parents home?" Little Johnny replies "What the fuc# do you think?"... :biggrin:  :shades:
The Punk Rock Guru of Meditation and Lending a Hand

DON'T believe EVERYTING you THINK...
it's COOL to Be a GEEK!

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"It is possible to live happily in the here and now. So many conditions of happiness are available - more than enough for you to be happy right now." -

Thich Nhat Hanh

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wescat

#16
Excellent thread idea Dan.

I like this joke video:  https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=ajcBD_1607428038
The second law chases us all.
In most realms, tranquility comes from ownership.
Order ensues when everyone totes their own water.  
Stand firm, and never let the bastards grind you down.  
Life's arc is primarily charted between ones ears.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Heaven is where the police are British, the lovers French, the mechanics German, the chefs Italian, and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the lovers Swiss, the mechanics French, the chefs British, and it is all organized by the Italians.
Be Sunny ¦ Stay Frosty.

Kid Montana

Merry Christmas everybody.  Great submissions so far, the contest will remain open until an arbitrary time tomorrow (directly correlated to when I wake up and get coffee.)


I'd rather have a cigar...

McBryde

#18






















AND............... other than the first, the best was saved for last.................



Enjoy,

E
"A man's character is told by what he does when nobody else is around."

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading" -- Thomas Jefferson


amigodecigars

Santa's favorite helper      
"There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel."  Franklin Pierce Adams

Kid Montana

QuoteMcBryde - 12/25/2020  

AND............... other than the first, the best was saved for last.................



Enjoy,

E

The best was saved for last.   I retold that joke to Maureen and got some combination of a laugh and a gasp that told me it was right on the Off Color Christmas joke bullseye.  Thanks to everyone for playing,  wr all won thanks to your submissions but Emmerson is going to get my 5er prize for the contest.  Em, I'll send it out in the new year.


I'd rather have a cigar...

McBryde

#21
When I told it to Christie, she had this look of disgust with me, as well as a laugh, so I knew it was right on track, LOL.

E

P.s.- I almost posted the two Lego pics for this contest, but most people wouldn't have gotten anything out of it. LOL
"A man's character is told by what he does when nobody else is around."

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading" -- Thomas Jefferson


Vroomp

Way to go Emerson~!  The Amy one really made me laugh too~! :lmao:  :lmao:
Guru of Not Following the Rules


Cigar smoking knows no politics. It's about the pursuit of pleasure, taste, and aroma. -Anon

When you are dead, you don't know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.
It is the same when you are stupid....



benchjockey

I wasn't able to enter but this was a very entertaining contest to follow.
You learn more by listening then you do from talking.

McBryde

#24
Got my prize package in today, can't wait to try them, as most of these are new to me!

Thanks Dan!

E

"A man's character is told by what he does when nobody else is around."

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading" -- Thomas Jefferson



   
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