You got lost crossing the street.
You reckon that returning an unfinished keg is right on par with your father watching you getting your ass kicked by a mime.
You get that weird tingling in your groin when you walk past a liquor store.
You take off your hat and strangers drop change into it. Not that you're complaining.
Your blood will run a lawn mower.
Future generations will call you an urban legend.
M.A.D.D. has a budget line with your name on it.
You're quite good looking when you're plastered, and you have the mug shots to prove it.
You can sniff out a hidden bottle of scotch in under two minutes. One minute if it's been cracked.
You don't believe in conspiracy theories, but it seems a pretty big coincidence that none of the bars in town will let you stay after hours.
Your bar tabs impact the international price of wheat and barley.
Your hangovers can be seen from space.
You've heckled A.A. meetings.
You think you can influence the outcome of a football game two time zones away by yelling at a television.
You can see your breath in July.
You can't say the word sober without making air quotes.
You feel incredibly sexy despite the vomit stain down the front of your shirt.
Gin never gives you a hangover, but martini olives absolutely murder you.
You figure the cab companies are making a fortune off the cell phones, lighters and all that other s**t that falls out of your pockets.
You know to put extra ice in your cocktail when you take a hot shower.
Contrary to popular opinion, you don't drink all the time. You just enjoy having a few civilized night caps, day caps, afternoon caps and morning caps.
After eight drinks your "hugs" bear an uncanny resemblance to UFC take-downs.
You fell into a whiskey vat and bravely fought off your rescuers for three hours.
The first thing you think when you can't find your wallet is, "Great, now how am I going to buy beer?"
You failed CPR class because your breath set the dummy on fire.
You're having a little trouble reading this because the bar's lighting sucks and you're kinda loaded.
You called the cops on yourself but refused to testify because you "didn't want to get involved."
From Modern Drunkard!
